Monthly Archives: February 2012

Hearts Love Tortured Doves


The Heart. Roman numeral I, The Supreme Controller Official

Elemental Association: Fire

Correspondences: Wisdom, Maturity, Communication, Love, Emperor, Shen (Spirit-Vitality, Chinese), Kindness.

Before this, I had written a very long entry which was educational on the five elements and acupuncture, insightful into my journey as a patient in acupuncture, raw and juicy into stories of my heart, revelation, this, that, the other….it took me several hours over a few days to formulate, touch up – add photography – edit. My best and one of the most inspired in this blog yet! When I pressed publish, it was gone – who knows what went wrong, it just was.

So I sat there staring at my computer screen and thinking about my lost work, knowing that I had compromised a lot of my time on it instead of doing other important real-life school things. All for it to be gone in a heartbeat, ultimately it didn’t serve anyone else but myself in those moments of indulgent writing. So that’s that. And this is this.


Matters of the heart are my true life story.


Matters that have been my greatest weakness and struggle as well as my greatest joy. Since beginning this “pilgrimage”, I’ve been dedicating much of my time to strengthen this heart of mine. With no shortage of love and romantic relationships in my life thus far, I’m truly excited, because I’m single. Not just single by definition but in feeling- body, mind and soul, I’m miraculously, unattached this Valentines day. My heart-strings are not being pulled and twisted or strangled around my most powerful organ, suffocating its breathe. They are free, untangled, and waving outward. This new sense of being absolutely independent, for me, is a huge achievement – and a solid step toward finding what my hearts true desire is.

“The state of ones heart inevitably shapes one’s life, it is ultimately the place where everything is decided:

-A courageous heart will go forth and engage with life despite fear and confusion.

-A fearful heart will be hesitant and will tend to hold back

-A heavy heart will make for a gloomy un-lived life.

-A compassionate heart need never carry the burden of judgment

-A forgiving heart knows the art of liberation.

-A loving heart awakens the spirit of possibility and engagement with others.”

~ John O’Donohue

How amazing we humans are, to have the ability to feel SO much in this one area of our body – which can permeate to the rest of our being whether it be in the form of pleasure or pain.

My most recent discovery was that I haven’t loved myself very much, for a long time. It probably is because I’ve hated my pain, and didn’t want to accept it nor did I feel it was acceptable to others. Not to place blame, but it is true that our cultures associates pain with dysfunction and beauty with joy and happiness – two extremes, two types of people. So in that I hated it more, and then when I’d get a dose of that love pleasure again- I clung to those feelings, ultimately lost them, felt pained and ashamed, craved the chemicals of love and it just became a long viscous cycle.

The heart is meant to feel love and its a natural function to feel pain and loss and what feels like breaking.

There is an appropriate amount of pain that comes with love and loss.

An appropriate amount of sadness that comes when joy is missed.

They are opposites. They go back and forth. And sometimes, can be blindingly extreme and unpredictable.

When in balance – they compliment each other, without struggle or attack.

When we stop seeing and living dualistic-ally because we actually feel wholeness, on a visceral level, we understand our pain enough to see it as love and vice-versa. Acupuncture has aided me, significantly, to getting to this place and reclaiming my balance and amplifying the voice of my own bleeding heart. Meditation has allowed me to go deeper and really see and hold it.

(found on google images)

This Valentines Day is the first one in many years where I wasn’t struggling with my pain, loneliness or disappointment. A point of true manifestation and integration is being reached. After a long time of only being able to intellectually understand the idea of having a strong and whole heart, on its own – now it is my experience.

Finally. Freely. Lovingly. There is no end to this, it is/going to be a constant practice of awareness, but well worth the effort.

This holiday is permeating with the energy of love and giving, and I’m embracing it. Since my sensitive heart is no longer collapsing into itself, I can feel this intensely in the atmosphere around me and flowing through me.

My heart sure has been exercised – torn open over and over again, stomped on.  Yet I kept loving, never stopping, remaining open to giving & receiving. This I will continue.

Pleasure and pain through love will come again, as it often does. It’s all about getting to the place of deep understanding, which is cliche, that life is what we make it, it is a reflection of ourselves. We cannot control our environment, or even our feelings, but we can work to bring ourselves into a more healthy balance, understand our reactions, learn to love ourselves truly inside and out. With that – we more easily make better choices for ourselves, don’t take things so personally and act with kindness and love for others. When the heart stings, it begins to hurt-good, because you know that a sore heart just means its been exercised, improved upon, growing.


When you give up the struggle against the dark side and allow it the space to exist just as the light does, then it will pass much quicker than previously experienced. Flowing.


To Ego-lessly love myself fully isn’t going to happen completely over-night, but its underway, and will benefit me in the long haul in this never-ending-in-this-lifetime experience of the heart.


May all beings feel love & happiness today. And begin to take care to be gardeners of their heart, if not already, to move toward the gift of a sustainable, wholesome and healthy Love life of their own.


  1. Able to be maintained at a certain rate or level.
  2. (esp. of development, exploitation, or agriculture) Conserving an ecological balance by avoiding depletion of natural resources.